Fangirl Saves the World

just who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

asexuality as social disadvantage (or not)

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It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Well, now that my semester is over, I have plenty of free time… and a resolution to keep this blog going! Since I’ve had time to kill, I’ve been poking around AVEN. It’s a pretty interesting place to hang out and talk about stuff like gender and sexuality that all of my real life friends put up with but aren’t that interested in. (Though as a side note, my friend Anna has a voice in her head that sounds like me and critiques TV commercials for sexism!)

Until joining AVEN, I had never thought of my asexuality as marking me as a member of a minority or marginalized group. It just was (or wasn’t). I knew from a relatively young age that I didn’t want to get married or have children, and for awhile I assumed that this was just because I value my time & space and like having those things to myself… which is true, but maybe not the whole story. For awhile, I thought I was bisexual because I was basically attracted to men and women in equal proportion… which is to say, not really. I found Johnny Depp and Miranda Otto equally aesthetically appealing and had zero desire to jump in the sack with either one.

So when I read posts like I Love a Charade at asexy beast, I’m always a little surprised. I mean, I’ve really got no problem elaborating on my (lack of a) sex life. I actually sat and talked to one of the boys in my study abroad program about it for awhile, since he was so flabbergasted at the idea that someone might not want to have sex. C was a pretty interesting character, though, who liked to hear everyone’s story. He didn’t judge or ask anything really personal or invasive, but was still curious about everybody. He was a receptive, polite audience, so maybe that made it easier to talk about.

Or, you know, maybe I’m just a bit odd like that. I don’t mind playing “never have I ever” because I always win. (It helps that, in addition to being asexual, I don’t drink, smoke, cut class, or imbibe substances that aren’t prescribed to me. On the whole, I’m a little boring, but it makes for some easy-to-win party games.) I always pick “truth” in “truth or dare” because I’m scared of getting a sexual dare, but not of a sexual truth. (“Have you ever had sex?” “Nope!”)

I’ve never had a significant other, and while some people are curious about that (and some would-be boyfriends get annoyed with it), I’ve never gotten a very bad response about it. (I say boyfriends because I’ve never had any female suitors.) Sometimes people feel sad for me, at least until I explain that I’m happier this way, and then they usually just shrug and say “that’s odd” and move on.

Then again, I’ve always been a bit odd and I’ve never minded it. People just chalk up my lack of desire to my general weirdness and nobody’s ever surprised when I’m weird. My asexuality has never put me in a threatening situation, just an uncomfortable one as I’ve had to explain to a couple of boys that it really was me, not them. Maybe I’m just lucky, or maybe I’d be this way – open and unruffled – even if I were sexual.

I don’t post this to question or demean the experience of other asexuals, just to add a different narrative than the one I usually see. It’s about as hard for me to understand shame about asexuality as it is for me to understand the state of being sexual, so there you have it. I can rationalize it, break it down into it’s logical components, but when I take it apart and put it back together, it seems to be missing a piece. I can’t get to the “greater than the sum of its parts” result, where I really feel it, but I guess that’s another post for another time.

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Written by Fangirl

January 4, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Posted in some asexy stuff

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